500th Anniversary of the Liar’s Ride
Details
Time: April 1, 2013 from 6pm to 10pm
Location: In front of West Town Bikes/Ciclo Urbano
Street: 2459 W Division St
City/Town: Chicago
Website or Map: http://goo.gl/maps/5bEH6
Phone: 773-255-6347
Event Type: lying, balderdash, bs
Organized By: Lee Diamond
Latest Activity: Apr 12, 2013
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Description
The rules have been tweaked this year and are as follows:
- The ride is free, however if any rider should misuse the word “literally” within earshot of the tour leader, the fee becomes $100,000,000.
- All riders must wear a helmet as usual, but new for this year we are also requiring a protective layer of waxed-canvas bubble wrap over all areas of the body. Management recommends the strategic placement of holes for purposes of breathing, hearing and seeing, but that’s up to you. We are all about freedom of choice on that topic.
- Not on helmets though.
- The ride will be simulcast in Flemish on WBBM. All of the living relatives of each rider will be required to listen to that broadcast. For those not located in the Chicago area, the broadcast can be streamed online. In all cases, a 1,000-word essay in Portuguese summarizing the various stops of the ride will be required of each living relative within 8 hours of the completion of the ride. Submission instructions will be issued at the ride.
- All riders are sworn to complete secrecy of all places visited, histories revealed, routes traveled, individuals in attendance, or not in attendance, topics discussed or information dispersed on the ride, and at all points before or after the ride. It is recommended that all riders cease all further communication with all others indefinitely following the ride to ensure their compliance on this matter.
- All carbon fiber bicycles will be replaced with bicycles made of pretzel rods. Those things are delicious.
- Unsafe fixed-gear conversions are strongly encouraged.
- As with all rides throughout history, riders will hold their breath when passing a cemetery. When extracted to enough distance, it turns out that you are always passing a cemetery; consequently we will have no breathing on the ride.
- Remember in the great cycling movie Breaking Away how in the Little 500 bike race, you aren’t allowed to use cages or clip into your pedals, BUT you are allowed to be taped onto your pedals, but can’t stop until the end as a result? Same deal here.
- People that post ride graphs from their Garmin for this ride will be interfaced directly with their device.
- We have noticed how an increasing number of business owners have begun expressing their political views in very public ways, regardless of the effect on their business, and in a way that seems to ensure continued political polarization in a country nearly hopelessly at odds with itself. To that end, this ride will only contain left turns.
- All tires must be inflated to 98.5 PSI exactly. This is regardless of whether this is the correct tire pressure for your tire or would even be possible.
- No riders may use any lubricants, pastes or greases on their bicycles except for remaining bits of lip balm found on the side of the road.
- To ensure that we stay together as a group, all riders will be fitted with electronic collars. The transmitter will be in my helmet and as long as you stay within 100 feet of me, no worries. Got to keep things tidy.
Comment Wall
Comment
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Comment by Lee Diamond on March 16, 2013 at 5:04pm
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The Tour de France was hard. The Liar's Ride is inhuman.
- Fausto Coppi, 1955
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Comment by Tank-Ridin' Ryan on March 16, 2013 at 12:22pm
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"and one half of a rusty butter knife." Which half? If it was the blade, that's just weird.
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Comment by Lisa Curcio on March 16, 2013 at 7:03am
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Nothing to worry about David: "To ensure that we stay together as a group, all riders will be fitted with electronic collars. The transmitter will be in my helmet and as long as you stay within 100 feet of me, no worries. Got to keep things tidy."
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"If there was ever a moment where I questioned not just the wisdom of cycling, but of life, the universe and everything, it was the 1981 running of the the Liar's Ride. Half-way through the ride, one of the riders flatted. I got off the bike with the intention of helping out with a quick flat repair but the tour guide was quicker than me and got to work straight away.....with a jackhammer, a concussion grenade, an industrial shredder and one half of a rusty butter knife. Not only was my preexisting understanding of bike maintenance challenged on that day, but so was my clotting ability as metal shards flew all-over the place, piercing everyone and every thing in sight. The horror......the horror.....I still have nightmares....."
- Sheldon Brown - 1994
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Comment by Kevin C Dormant on March 14, 2013 at 12:45pm
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"[L]iterally."
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Time flies huh?
Maybe a look back at our past through the quotes of some of our notable riders will help us all bike down memory lane. Let's start off with a quote from the Champion of Champions.
"By far the hardest course I ever completed was the historic 1971 edition of the Liar's Ride. Dear God.......we had to use unicyles with no air in the tires, pedaling backwards the whole course while conversing mentally only, and only in the "way that trees would communicate if they were riding backwards on a unicyle with a flat tire". It was beyond insane. The course literally killed fifty plus riders in the Peloton. The fact that he had the nerve to call it a no-drop ride was the capper. I curse Lee Diamond to this day."
- Eddy Merckx, 2011
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